Welcome to the Teacher Helpdesk

Thank you for calling the "Why Are You Still Teaching?" Teacher Helpdesk! Your call is important to us... and we promise to answer as soon as we're done re-evaluating our life choices. Please hold for the next available Emotional Support Goat. (Yes, we have goats. They're surprisingly calming.) or remain on the line for soothing whale noises.

If you know your party's extension, please dial it now. If you're in a crisis involving glitter glue, unsupervised children, or too much coffee, press 1 for "I'm at my breaking point".

For a mood enhancer or to speak with a pharmacist: Press 2 – Our pharmacists will either provide helpful suggestions, referrals or just offer you a glass of wine. Your choice.

For Catholic priests specializing in exorcisms: Press 3

For an Emotional Support Goat: Press 4 – Our goats are standing by. They'll listen, they won't judge, and they might nibble on your frustration (or your lunch). They're good at that.

For advice on how to survive the next PTA meeting: Press 5 – Our team of seasoned educators will provide you with coping mechanisms such as deep breathing, pretending you didn't hear anything, or accidentally spilling coffee on the principal's shoes. Should you need to deploy the TWAT team who will assist you in planning, coordination and tranquilizers for irate mothers not living in reality: Press and hold 5s and the team response time is 7 minutes.

For crisis support for the 100th "Why did I become a teacher?" moment: Press 6 – Our therapist bots will help you navigate these feelings by saying things like, "You've got this!" and "Maybe just take a nap under your desk.". Know that you are an incredible person, molding the future with sheer grit and spit and stick-to-it-iveness.

For questions about grading or lesson plans: Press 7 – If you are still doing this, we salute you. Someone will be with you shortly to help you, but not before they grab another coffee. Or five.

For technical support for your broken classroom tech: Press 8 – If your projector is still on the fritz after 15 Zoom meetings, we can offer some kind words, but no guarantees. Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

Emergency:
If you are experiencing an actual emergency, such as your students holding a full-blown revolt or your classroom suddenly filling with sticky notes, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.

For anything else, please hold. Your Emotional Support Goat will be with you shortly. Or maybe a glass of wine. We'll see how you're doing.